Throne Time

My self-imposed limitation of 500 words per blog is being broken 2 blogs into whatever this is. This is a somewhat special occasion. After almost 17 years, I’m leaving Healthcare IT. I was looking through old facebook posts to see when I actually started working at my current hospital, and I came across this post I wrote almost 3 years ago. Many of the themes ring true for me today, so I’m going to post it again here. The ideas for blogs are stacking up on topics that I’ll cover from the moon landing, System of a Down, gardening tips, and the vapid state of politics in the US. I anticipate literally tens of people will read these blogs, so rest assured I take this work seriously moving forward, but for today, indulge me in a 750 word blog. If anyone of you know Norm MacDonald, please let him know I’ve given myself to the end of the year to have him retweet something I write. Hope is trifling, but I’ll continue to write. Now to the old FB post…

As I sit alone in the middle of the unparalleled beauty of the Colorado Rockies 5 days past 40, thoughts float back to visions of the future once held by a man of fewer years. What is it about the past that holds such vivid memories of ambition, fun, adventure, and excitement that somehow feel unfulfilled after certain milestones are viewed behind rather than ahead. I know it is cliche, but I don’t care. I’m sitting in Grand Lake listening to John Denver. Aside from some of his Beatles covers, this very familiar lyric is resonating with me this Colorado evening.

“He was born in the summer of his 27th year
Coming home to a place he’d never been before
He left yesterday behind him, you might say he was born again
You might say he found a key for every door
When he first came to the mountains his life was far away”

Setting the allusions to pantheism aside, this was very much my experience in my early twenties and earlier; seems ages ago. I clearly recall driving to this amazing state multiple times to ski. With each visit the pull of this extraordinary place grew stronger and more foregone.

After living in Colorado for 16 years now, aspects of this special place more often than not seem pedestrian. Today was different. I took two long walks today and appreciated the beauty all around me with a fresh perspective. From geese going tail up in water to lightly pressed fox tracks captured in fresh snow to mountain peaks cloaked in thick clouds, every angle deserved a volume to describe its splendor. Why in the midst of such beauty, security, and majesty do thoughts wander to past happiness that rest in former familiar routine and a promise of future accomplishment?

Perhaps the melancholy of the evening is guided by inaccurate recollections of past experiences and unrealistic visions of ambition now only partially realized? Perhaps overachievement is the catalyst for this evening of inward reflection? As I sat staring at my screen after writing this last sentence, I thought that maybe this sense of reflection at this new age of 40 could be caused by my tendency to want to control my actions, outcomes and all aspects of my world. While some aspects of my life have played out exactly as planned, others have not. Never have I planned on losing people to death in the timing that death has occurred. Many other aspects of life have not gone to plan and that could be amplified when we as humans achieve these cosmically insignificant but culturally hyper-inflated ages that end with a “0”.

I consider myself immensely blessed to have lived the life I have lived to date and to enjoy the ups and downs of friends and family. It is so easy for me to become involved and consumed by the totality of my vision for my life that I forget that as a Christian I get to rest in the providence of almighty God.

“We know that all things work together for the good of those who love God: those who are called according to His purpose.” Romans 8:28

I think that for this day I’ll be glad to know God, be glad that He knows me and take another long walk this evening through this beautiful mountain town while listening to the trees shake the snow from their branches safe in the knowledge that my God has my past and future in His hands.